How To Use An Answering Machine
September 28th, 2007The Modern Phone System.
In a discussion with Mr. Vengeance, We discovered a truly forgotten art, in these, our United States - The operation of the telephone and answering machine, and the associated dynamics therein.As the telephone has been around for a few As the telephone has been around for a few years I thought that it may be common knowledge how to use it. I am sadly mistaken. It is not difficult to do dial, say hello, and carry on a conversation that fits your level of education simple right?Wrong! A recent call to my business was not answered. The answering machine ( I assumed to be another commonsense device) activated and was willing to do its only job in life and take a message in my absence, but alas when I pushed the pretty flashing light I hear “click”. So they are shy and do not want to leave a message or maybe the electronic representation of my voice offended them. Ok, No problem. This goes on for several minutes and I hear no voices just clicks. (Hmmm am I that offensive?) Well since I have some free time ( as I have no messages to answer) I look at my caller I.D. ( I know another common sense device) I have 9 hang ups and 9 of the same phone number on the screen. What’s up with that? As I am hooked now I look deeper and find less than a minute between the calls. Wouldn’t it have made more sense to leave me a message rather than spend 10 minutes dialing? What a dick. The more I thought about it the more I got pissed off. There are only three reasons that I have an answering machine 1. I am busy and I can’t take the call. 2. I am not here 3. I do not want to talk to you. (Number 3. should be evident in the first two or three calls don’t you think?) While I’m at it you should have the basic operation knowledge of the phone before you use it. One guy called and left a message Name and phone number (This was a real treat for me) but as my hopes are crushed, instead of hanging up he puts me on hold, well he puts my machine on hold. So I am listening to elevator music for a minute or so then the receptionist (I assume) picks up and says, Hello yada yada yada incorporated can I help you? Hello? Hello? Then my favorite sound “Click”. Now I have a mission, to explain how to use an answering machine to the world. STEP 1. Wait for the tone to begin recording. Nothing is more aggravating then hearing “0978 please call me as soon as you get in” There are very few absolutes in life one of them is that Answering machines will beep. Even if you are calling a total moron who can’t record a message, the fucking machine WILL BEEP. STEP 2. Leave a real message. It is very simple for those of you who are taking notes. “My name is bob my number is 555-1212” If you are a professional you can add I am calling regarding my self important problem that you should address the minute you get in as I am the only person in the world. If you really want to impress me tell me the time and date of your call and repeat that number seven times so I don’t miss it. (It’s a recording you dick, I can play it again if you aren’t capable of annunciating. STEP 3. Do not leave vague and cryptic messages. “Hey dude its me call me” or my favorite “I got that thing you sent me in the mail. Its really cool How do I turn it on?” I am not a mind reader. Give me something to work with here. At least say “I am to insecure to leave a message I will call back” At least 10 calls a day could be ignored if you would give me that much. STEP 4. If you are on your cell phone and you lose a signal while you are leaving a literate message. I give you my permission to call back and apologize for dropping out, hey I know shit happens. One thing though. Wait till you have a signal before calling back. If I have to listen to one more every other word message because you either do not know how to or are to stupid to use your cell phone, I would rather you did not call at all. Definite DO NOT DO ITEMS. Do not call me if you are not prepared. If I say hello and you say hold on just a minute Do you REALLY think I will be there when you get back? Do not call me and ask for tech help if you do not have the device with you. “Ummm I just bought this and I left it home but I couldn’t get the thing to turn on” ( I realize that you are to cheap to call from home, when you can sponge off your company for free phone calls but this is a waste of my time) The Most Important Thing is DO NOT WAIT FOR THE BEEP AND SAY “ARE YOU THERE?” “PICK UP IF YOU ARE THERE?” The Slug King
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