AEIX

The Modern Phone System.

Driving Skills are an acquired talent! If you are, or plan to be between the ages of 16 and 20 years old this does not apply to you. Go out have fun enjoy the tickets and high insurance payments while they last. Don’t drink and drive. You may read it to be a little more prepared for life. (Damn over achievers you should be killed.) Either way if you are over the age of 20 and have a driver’s license this means you.

First Rule: Be capable of driving the vehicle you are in.
 I should not have to suffer because you are not able to learn basic skills. There are parking lots to practice in.
Examples of this follow.
1. If it is a standard shift its clutch up and gas down it is not hard. Brake on clutch down again not hard. Now added to that you have to move your hand at the same time. So we have clutch down push the shifter clutch up gas down repeat. If you are not capable of these steps get off my roads. You have my personal permission to re enter the roads when you can shift steer smoke and drink coffee with out causing me any undue waiting.
2. If this is an automatic there is a little “D” in front of the shifter. This means go. Foot on brake pull shifter to the “D” remove foot from brake and step on gas pedal got it? You may have observed several other letters like “P” “R” “L” and “O” these only apply in parking lots and driveways. Here is an Idea try each one in the privacy of your own driveway to discover their respective functions. If you are skilled you may be able to use the “O”with a “D” in it in regular driving situations. Please consult your owner’s manual for the correct function.
3. If your vehicle does not fall into the above categories. You should not be on the road. Or you are driving a motorcycle. In which case there are different rules for you.

Second Rule: What not to do!
In other words stop being a dick.
Examples of this follow
1. Do not pull out in front of me to travel 30 feet to the next driveway. This not only pisses me off but it is just stupid. Is it so important that you get from the donut shop to the bank 30 feet up the road that you need to cut off a line of traffic? Did you ever think of walking to the next stop work off some of that fat you lazy ass.  Wait until the traffic has passed, the 30 seconds extra to wait will give you time to reflect on your lack of social skills.
2. Do not follow so close that I can see your nose hair, flash your lights blow the horn or wave, I will move or stomp on the brake or slow down. (It’s a random choice I make at the time) If you are this close to me because you are trying to read my bumper sticker it says “The closer you get the slower I will go”

3. Pay attention. Red lights have a tendency to turn green. You wait you go easy. It is a basic pavlovian concept. From the first time you get in a car you see that there are lights and signs that require an action. Red means stop and green means go. Please refer to the first rule, the gas pedal is on the right. Stop signs are another difficult concept to manage for you (This is made obvious by the people I am behind). You stop, you look, you go. How hard is that? The worst is the creepers they look left, then right and creep out a little then left and right and creep a little more.
4. Four way intersections. This is an advanced feature. (You should have learned to take turns when you were little) Just as a reminder if you get to the intersection first you go first. I there is a line of traffic at the intersection each direction will take a turn.

Third Rule The courtesy wave.
When I let you out in a line of traffic I expect a nod or a wave. This only applies to advanced drivers. There are certain situations where judgment calls are necessary. This means that you may have to make a choice. This means if I let you out in front of me I think that you may have some driving skills. This does not mean we are starting a relationship. One wave and do not turn off thirty feet up. That may be the day I have decided to ram my mini van into the back of the next morons car. It’s a random choice don’t let it be you.

The Final Rule If You Can’t – DON’T
This rule applies to males and females. If you can put on make up drive chew gum and not piss me off while I am behind you, Go for it. If you can’t DON’T. If you can drink coffee smoke cigarettes and drive standard More power to you. If you can’t DON’T. If you can drink coffee, smoke cigarettes, eat, drive standard and change lanes using a blinker at a high rate of speed in the rain on a foggy day with two hours sleep and manage not to piss me off (Or hit a tree) You are my Idol.
 

I get up at 6:30 or so coffee and toast then TV for ½ hour S.S.S and off the face the world of morons in my life. The garbage cans are again in the middle of the driveway again and the cart is in the street. Worthless people to start my day with. So I take care of that ( or on a bad day I drive over them with my mini van) Down to the convenience store for cigarettes, hopefully Habib is working so I do not have to speak just hand him money and go, Took me over a month to train this new clerk so I hope he keeps working there for a while. He puts the phone down when I come in, takes my money gives me change then goes back to whatever he was doing. It’s a good relationship. No give and take or happy morning people banter. I move on to my favorite drive through for coffee. This will be the critical point of my day. Not to bad today the line almost moved fast and the girl at the window didn’t screw up any thing I ordered.

So I am in the Grocery store doing my regular shopping. Not much mind you Just the basic essentials bread, milk, beer, meat. I grabbed what I wanted and headed for the front of the store. The express line was 10 people long so I opted for a cashier that I knew was better than most (As many of you know I research this shit to make my life as free from morons as humanly possible.) One little old lady in front of me and some guy in front of her just leaving the line. I step into line and the lady smiles at me, I smile back she looks away. The way it should be No worthless idle chit chat just recognition of another person and then go on with your life. I have enough friends’ thanks. As I am standing there look at the magazine rack wondering if Michael Jackson gets paid for the cover pictures A tag team family shopping machine pulls into line behind me. They are professionals two carts stacked so high I can barely see the kid in the seat. The Husband and the other kids are running for frozen goods while they start waiting in line definitely professionals.

So as I stand there in a daze a woman in a business suit comes up carrying two cans of some gourmet cat food for like ten dollars a can. She attempts to squeeze by and says you don’t mind if I cut in front of you I just have these two things. I look at her with what must have been a vile look and said, no you can’t. But I just have this (holding up her yuppie cat food) it wont be a minute. No I said go stand in line like everyone else. By this time I have the attention of the cashier, the old lady and the mother of the super shopping team. I look around and see the tennis match looks. They are looking at her now for her response Well that’s just rude she replies. RUDE I said you are trying to get in front of me because you are what, more important than me? I think about this time my voice is getting a little to loud. You know what I should have let you in because these nice people behind me are going to have to wait now while I explain this to you. Or you can walk away now. So she takes a look around and I took advantage and hooked my cart with my foot and blocked her between me and the super shopping team. I turn my back on her.

So now I can feel her giving me dirty looks I think the back of my head is going to explode.  So now she is stuck and of course I become the original “chatty Cathy” I make idle conversation with the old lady and the cashier. Oh yeah baby the weather the mayor the police the upcoming holiday children and grand kids the whole shhhhbang.  I am putting my stuff on the belt now in an organized manner with my discount card in hand and checking to see that all the bar codes are up and easily seen by the cashier, which starts another chat about how some people just throw their stuff on the belt and don’t care. This chick is fuming now two shades of red. She lets out this big disgusted sigh like she resigns herself to what the little people have done to her. (yeah, slugking can read minds also) Everyone looks at her now and it gets quiet. As I am ready to make some sarcastic comment ( I mean so close I was just drawing in breath to speak) The little girl with the shopping team blurts out loud and clear “Mommy why doesn’t that lady have to wait in line like us” Ok so I am laughing (the milk squirting out of your nose kind of laugh) This woman just turns around and tries to get out of line but she is trapped she wedges herself between the candy rack and the shopping teams cart and walks down to the express line. (which by now has two people in it.) I turn back to the job at hand pay by bill and grab my bags.

Funny the chick is walking out in front of me with no bag no cat food. As I walk by the express line the cashier is explaining that she has to void out the two cans of cat food because the woman forgot her wallet. So now I’m gone giggling like a school girl. I get to my car hoping that the chick would now have a car accident in the lot. ( I know I am evil, not new information) The old lady is one car away from me and walking towards me. I think I am going to get a lecture and I will stand here and take it and probably apologize for my behavior because I still respect my elders. The old lady walks up and Says “I wish I had the balls to do that” and she walked away.

I am the Slugking, the proud owner of the hardest working couch in

3. Pay Attention

    You are in a line and it might just move. If what ever you people are doing in your car is so fucking interesting go inside the place and bring it with you. The reason it’s called a drive-through is because you might be expected to drive. (You are most likely the dick who sits at green lights too.) A.D.D. must be the number one disease that drive-through users suffer from. Move it along people stop wasting my time.

4. Limit your number of items. (Or next time I get behind a van full of people I will just snap)

    If there are more than two people or you will be making that pseudo sheik yuppie hemp sucking hippie order go inside. The next time I hear an order through the drive through that is more than 15 seconds long or involves the words halfcaf, lite, nonfat, and so on, I will just drive my van into the back of your vehicle. (Here is a good scale, if you need to use more than two adjectives to describe any item go inside) If you do not know what I mean, it’s the people in the SUVs with the whole neighborhoods’ children and a dog. (Who did not follow the first rule) and now decide that they will ask each child in turn what they want. Then spends ten minutes repeating the whole thing through the speaker, then I have to listen to it get repeated and corrected. (This is about the time that my steering wheel starts to show forehead marks) You know damn well that they won’t have their money out and will definitely be attempting to talk on the cell phone, beat the children, yell at the dog and drive at the same time (more herd thinning, cool). These are the three offences that really kill me. Then you know when I tap the horn I am going to get the dirty look in the mirror. (That reminds me, if you can’t drive a standard shift vehicle. Go inside, it’s a simple process, gas down, clutch up. Not roll towards my vehicle because you are not coordinated)

5. Miscellaneous

• If you are screaming at the speaker because you’re stereo is too loud. GO INSIDE
  (And you are a moron)
• If you do not know which group you belong to. GO INSIDE
• If you want to personalize your meal. GO INSIDE
• If you decide you don’t like what you received, because you did not know what to order, don’t give it back to the drive through girl. DRIVE-THROUGH! PARK!  GO INSIDE!
• If you are ordering for the whole office or a dozen of anything. GO INSIDE

If you plan on leaving the decision on flavor, color or type of item you want to the drive through employee. GO INSIDE